I loved Elvis

When I was about 9-years-old, I had a crush on Elvis Presley. My parents never signed up for cable, so I suppose in the absence of MTV I picked a dead heartthrob that would have been older than my dad — weird. 

To be clear, I wasn't infatuated enough to watch his terrible movies. No thanks. But I did have a light switch cover with his black and white image on it. His hips were swinging and his arm was in the air a la "Jailhouse Rock."

I listened to a CD of his greatest hits enough to impersonate his "huh, huh huh," while I did the lip curl. 

"Hound Dog" made me sad because Elvis sang to me "you ain't no friend of mine" because I "ain't never caught a rabbit." Rabbits are so cute and fuzzy, why would I want to hurt one?

Growing up playing in the dirt, I couldn't understand why he got so upset about someone stepping on his blue suede shoes. Get over it, I thought, be a man and put on some boots. 

I guess I didn't agree with what Elvis said, I just liked the way he shook his butt and seduced the camera. Mmmmm.