My brothers and I had no video game consoles, couldn’t watch PG-13 movies until we were actually 13 (what the hell?) and we were fed lots of spinach and rice with no dessert.
We often had to find creative ways to keep ourselves entertained, and I feel an obligation to help the youth of today by giving away some of my secrets. I would like to present a fine piece of coffee table literature that can be passed on to younger brothers, cousins and nephews. Here is an excerpt from “The Deprived Boy’s Guide to Staying Amused”:
1. Your mother may not let you have cool toys because she’s convinced “G.I. Joe” is an evil government plot to brainwash children to grow up as killing machines, but with a little imagination, a banana makes for a pretty good handgun during recreation time.
2. Want to pretend you’re a scuba diver? Take a belt and strap two rolls of paper towels to your back vertically, then put rubber gloves on your feet. It might not sound like much fun without trying it, but I once spent an entire action-packed weekend slithering across the living room floor with those babies. Good times.
3. It will probably be a while before you get to see an actual boobie, but Mad Magazine has plenty of drawings, as do many anatomy books.
4. Make friends with an only child. His parents will spoil him rotten with video games, action figures and lots of candy. Spoiledness increases 50 percent if his parents are divorced yuppies, and you will be allowed to cuss in front of them.
5. “Ren & Stimpy” is too highbrow for your mom. Ask dad if you can watch it.
6. A fork is basically just a miniature pitchfork and a teddy bear is basically just a miniature Satan. And an avocado is basically just a miniature Godzilla. Make ’em fight. That’s hours of entertainment, right there.
No comments:
Post a Comment