Suckerfish, what?

Believe it or not, in the days before my life was consumed with The Orion, I had a social life. I had enough free time to go out, have fun and make out with boys. Those times are long gone, but at least I have the memories.

Now, I wouldn't call myself promiscuous by any means, but I have kissed my fair share of guys. And, let's face it, some people are just not good kissers. Period. The most shocking aspect of it all is the variety of beso blunders

Here are some of my least favorite types.

The Sloppy Slobberer
In my experience this is the most common smooching sin. You go in for the kill, and you come away from it with a face covered in spit. The Sloppy Slobberer needs to get the saliva under control -- it's just gross, and it can't be healthy to lose so much fluid at once. To control the spit sitch, I'd recommend pulling back once in awhile and swallowing, and perhaps keeping a towel nearby would be helpful.

The Lizard Tongue
This kisser darts his or her tongue into their partner's mouth repeatedly, in a way that reminds me of a lizard. The lucky person on the end of this kiss should guard their tonsils, because they are surely to be speared by the pointy tip of the tongue. Now, no one wants to swap spit with a reptile. It's creepy. Please Lizard Tongue, slow down and relax. It will be a more enjoyable experience for all parties involved.

The Ashtray
No one can escape bad breath all the time, but kissing The Ashtray is the worst. Planting a smacker on a smoker makes me feel as if I just licked tar. Sexy? No. Please, if you smoke, carry breath mints or gum or, better yet, just quit.

The Biter
I am all about a little nibbling during a playful makeout session, but The Biter goes overboard. I was once kissing a guy, I guess he got really into it, and he bit me -- OUCH! I pulled away from his hunting-trap jaws and tasted blood. It was not a turn on. If you can't control the strength of your bites, you're better off not attempting them.

Kissing is fun, but everyone has different likes and dislikes, some prefer gentle pecks while others like deep and passionate smooches. My favorite kissers are the ones who play it by tongue -- and go with the flow. Don't be afraid to experiment, be sensual, and allow us to come up for air every once in awhile.